Honesty

I was on the phone with a friend of mine tonight, and though he is the most frustrating and vindictive human being I've ever met, often times what he says is honest and I can do nothing but listen. Because many a times, the honesty just strikes down anything else I was going to say. Maybe it is the delivery, but I think about it. Tonight we were discussing celebrities. We got into an argument about which ones appeal to us and he said "Nicole Kidman." I don't find Nicole Kidman remotely attractive, though I do find her beautiful and talented. She was fantastic in Moulin Rouge and a few semesters ago in makeup class, I tried to emulate her perfect face for a celebrity look-alike project. Needless to say, it looked really bad, because you can't put Nicole Kidman's face on a bone structure that rivals a kewpie doll(just kidding). But there is something about her. I saw it a lot when I studied how she moved, how she acted in public. She isn't personable. She is cold, and beyond what I see on television there is not much to go off of. So that is where the argument began. My friend asked me how I could judge her based off what I saw on television and in movies. He said that no one really shows their true selves, not even he did. Not even me. And it hurt, because I thought that the friend I knew was always the way he was. But it was one of those things where we understood each other. And it made sense. So many of our relationships are based off lies of what we want other people to see. He wants the world to see someone who doesn't care, so he acts that way. Maybe that is the person he truly believes himself to be...I guess I'll never know the real him. But that doesn't really matter, because he had touched a good point with me. He was right. I am a people pleaser by nature. Being the first child, I was bent on bringing home straight A's, getting the best parts in plays, being the winner, because making my parents and friends proud of me made me feel good. I am a nice girl; I don't like to hurt anyone's feelings, so I often lie about how I really feel, what i really want to make everyone else happy. For the longest time, I talked myself into a lie to make someone I really cared about happy because for that time it made me feel the same way to see him feel so great. We're just a bunch of liars, it's all an act. With the exception of my family, I just feel like I can't really trust or depend on anyone for the truth. Because in all honesty we are just a censored version of our true selves, and I'm guilty of that, too.
So, I am going to give something a try. I am going to shed my tough skin a little bit. It's become a habit hiding behind the nice girl, the people pleaser. I am going to step out of my comfort zone by being more honest with everyone. This could be fun.